Wow. Somehow it’s March. I haven’t written anything since January and that is unacceptable. I can’t promise that this is the beginning of something beautiful but I am writing today and that is as good of a start as any.
Since January… well February happened. I got bigger and bigger, more and more uncomfortable and am practically bursting out of my skin, waiting to have this baby. I am excited, nervous, terrified, enamored, and, above all, READY. Well, as ready as I can be, having never done this before. My due date was two days ago and she did not make an appearance. The kids at school give me a wide berth because I think they think my water is just going to break at any moment and a baby is going to come spilling out with it. Either that or I’m such an incredible grump that they’re just trying to stay out of my way. I choose to believe it’s the former.
Okay, so I started that yesterday and now it’s today and everything has changed. We had a doctor’s appointment and it was decided that it’s time for the baby to come out. So today, in about an hour and a half, we’re going to go check in and get the whole process under way. I don’t know if I totally understand what’s happening- my doctor is great but his English is, as he says, basic. I also don’t know if they do things the same here as they would in the States. I have a feeling it’s a little more ‘old school’ than ‘new school’ and I might feel a little like I’m having a baby back in the ’50’s. We’ll see. But I do know that the hospital is quiet and clean, my doctor is ready and Dave and I are excited and nervous. I suppose all of that will have to do.
The more I think about what it means- having a baby TODAY (or tomorrow or the next day, depending on how fast this goes)- the more I know that it is the fear of the unknown that is more terrifying than anything. I told Dave I was anxious this morning. He asked why… my reply? Because it’s going to hurt. But I don’t know what level of hurt. I’ve seen TV and movies and talked to friends and read stories but we’re all different and what might’ve hurt you might not hurt me. The first time I got, uh, waxed, I was so prepared for the most intense pain of my life that it was surprisingly not as painful as I expected. That’s not to say it didn’t hurt like a mutha… but it wasn’t as bad as I expected. The same thing happened when I saw “Black Swan.” I was anticipating so much creepiness/uncomfortableness/even fear, that, by the time I saw it, it wasn’t that much of any of those things. Is that what labor will be like? Somehow I doubt it. I would guess that, if it really wasn’t ‘that bad’ because you were so pumped for it to be ‘that bad’, someone would’ve mentioned that along the way. So I anticipate a lot of pain. And I’m not big on pain.
So the pain factor has me really, really nervous. Also, I keep saying things to Dave like, “These are our last moments alone,” and that’s not helping anyone to be calm. I do not yet understand that mother/child love that I know is just around the corner. Even right now, as I prepare (however I can) to welcome this baby into the world, I have a hard time imaging rushing home to see her at the end of the day or choosing to hang out with her over my own friends. That sounds terrible, I know. But, if you are a mother or father, I know you remember those feelings (’cause some of you told me about them). But I’ve seen it happen to all my friends who have kids, women and men. Big, beer-drinking men who suddenly would rather crawl around on the floor after their daughters than get hammered at the bar or play video games. Women who valued their alone and quiet time more than anything, rushing through activities or chores just to pick up and snuggle their little ones… I know it’s going to happen. It just hasn’t yet so it’s another ‘unknown’. And it makes all those ‘last ______ alone’ or ‘just the two of us’ moments scary.
I cannot wait to meet my daughter. I cannot wait to hold her and kiss her and smell her little baby head. I can’t wait to see what she looks like and who she becomes. I hope I do the right things by her. I hope we will have a better relationship than I did with my Mom. I wish and hope and pray for a lot. I know all mothers do.
I have not written much about being pregnant or the excitement of having this baby. I can shamefacedly admit that I have made fun of women who only talk about being pregnant and I did not want to be one of those women. So I think I went too far in the other direction. But I am thrilled, though terrified, about this new thing that is about to happen in our lives. I’m going to be somebody’s mother. And that somebody has all the potential in the world right now…