The 5th post on this blog was made on May 12, 2010. I had just lost my mother that January and was deeply entrenched in finishing my Masters in Music Education. I don’t know if I had a frame of mind at the time.
That particular post is nothing but an apology for not writing. I don’t think you can find a particular style in it- it doesn’t sound ‘like me,’ in my opinion.
I started this blog as a way to deal with the grief of losing my mother. Without going into too much very personal detail, ours was a complicated relationship. We never got the chance to work through our issues with each other before she died. But no matter what obstacles stood in the way of the perfect mother-daughter relationship, we always had one thing in common- reading. My mother instilled a love of reading in me so deeply that I cannot go to sleep without a book on the bedside table. In the ‘olden’ days, pre-Kindle, I spent most of my summer money and suitcase space (and weight) on books. I would buy 10-15 books at a time and pack them into my bags as carefully as a set of fine china. English language books were not easy to come by in the Dominican Republic, Kuwait, or China. Or if they were easy to find, they were unbelievably expensive. They were also rarely the types of books I enjoyed; hence the need for my back-breaking struggle to cart half of Barnes and Noble across the globe. I am grateful for the Kindle, so, so grateful. I have space in my suitcases for clothes and toiletries. I do not have to choose between underwear and books anymore. I can read whenever, wherever I want. Yes, I love to hold a real book in my hands. But I also love that I can carry my library with me now, in one tiny, hand-held device.
|Look at those sassy girls!|
When I find myself getting to the end of a book, I honestly feel slightly panicked if there is not another at the ready. And I imagine my mom felt this way, too. There were always library books lying around the house. She read most evenings and always had something with a bookmark tucked neatly beside her recliner. On vacations, she had a bag full of books, the same as me. It was something we shared, a bond, a love.
I introduced her to Harry Potter. She scoffed. Then she fell in love. Reading Harry Potter and then going to see the movies with my mom are some of my favorite and my best memories of her. That she never got to see them all saddens me more than you know.
Wow… that escalated quickly.
I started this blog to ‘write my book.’ That’s what my mom was always telling me to do. She loved my stories and was my biggest fan when it came to writing. I wanted to write a book to honor her memory, to honor her love for me. I got off track. I got off track quickly. But I am still working on the book, just not as publicly. It will happen… eventually.
It’s hard to claim a frame of mind when you’ve lost your mother. You have a new frame of mind. You are a different person. Ooh look, I’ve gone and made myself cry.