Yesterday was not an easy day. Yesterday, I had to stop and figure out exactly how long you’d been gone because I didn’t know it off the top of my head. Every year, I have your birthday written in my calendar and I know exactly how old you’d be. And every year, I have January 10th on the calendar, the day you left us. But this year I had to stop and think how long it had been. It’s been six years. Six years feels like such a short amount of time, but it’s really not. So very much has changed and you’ve missed so much.
You missed the last ‘Harry Potter’ movies. They were really good.
You missed us moving from Guatemala to Bahrain and now to Serbia.
You missed us getting our new ‘puppy,’ Pip.
You missed some good books that I know you would’ve liked.
You missed The Ladybug’s freckles and The Sprout’s red hair.
You missed buying us Christmas ornaments each year.
You missed being jealous that I went to Italy last Spring Break.
You missed homecomings and goodbyes and TV shows and delicious meals and holidays and the every day things that make life life. You’ve missed it. And we’ve missed you.
I posted some pictures on Facebook and thought to myself, ‘I’ve used these photos a few times. Time for some new ones.’ But it’s been six years since we’ve taken a new photo together. We will never take another new photo together.
The Sprout sat in my lap and looked at those pictures. She said, ‘Is that you and your mommy?’ I was happy she recognized you, but so, so sad that she would never know you.
Last summer, my R told me you stop by the house sometimes. She said you don’t stay long because you’re so happy wherever you are. That made me happy. I hope that it’s true. And you’re welcome to stop by any time to check in… just don’t do anything creepy.
Every year that passes is easier… and harder. The pain has lessened, though it still smacks me upside the head every now and again and leaves me in a helpless puddle of tears and snot on the floor. Oh yeah, I ugly cry about you sometimes, Mom. Other times, I can go a few days without thinking about you. You’re always there, though. I know you’re watching over us, keeping us safe, and making sure the Red Head is keeping me on my toes. I have no doubt you’re up there giggling about her- she’s making me work hard which fulfills that “I hope you get one just like you,” curse that mothers throughout the ages have muttered.
I love you and miss you, Mom. I wish you were still here, but if you’re happier there, I’m happy for you. I hope you have found your peace.